The tale of The Barber and the ummm…. Penis

Its Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend

I have to be somewhere in a couple of hours so do I go to my regular guy and risk being late, or go somewhere a bit closer and definitely be on time? Many of you may think this is a no brainer but it’s not. You see I’ve been going to Andy my Nigerian barber for about 7 years now. We have a relationship. I have his phone number and he knows all the lumps in my head. How to shape my hairline so I don’t look like Lebron James.


I decide to go to the guy who’s closer. Things can’t be that bad can they?

I arrive and to my surprise, the shop is empty. Excellent. But why is no-one there? Does everyone know something I don’t? At least I don’t have to thumb through year old copies of Now! and OK! magazine.
When the barber comes back from getting a drink from the shop round the corner (I’m sure this only happens in black owned hairdressers and barbers…) I tell him what I want and he starts to work. The usual small talk starts and I relax, trying to feel confident that my head is in good hands.

Halfway through he leans over and things get uncomfortable. I’m already annoyed that clearly he doesn’t realise that his trimmers are a bit too sharp but now I can feel his penis on my leg. The small talk stops.
Now I swear there must be a better way to cut my hair, but maybe the absence of anyone else confirms that others have suffered at the hands.. sorry, the penis of this barber. I move my leg, but he uses this as an invitation to more closer. It seems as though there is no escaping this penis. I just want this ordeal to be over now. I use every opportunity to rub my leg on the area of violation every time he walks around to the other side. My efforts to wipe off the disgust are futile. There will be no more small talk for the rest of my time here.
I wonder if he realises whats going on. I’m sure he does. How can you not? Is he so engrossed in his work that he doesn’t realise? Is he doing this on purpose? Is he enjoying this? *shudder*… I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one this has happened to though….

After the application of much-needed alcohol, I say thank you, check my hair and get my things. I’m grateful to leave, plus I’ll be on time for my appointment. The haircut itself was ok but not great. Plus the whole penis thing didn’t help.
Plus the music playing was terrible.
Plus he charges £2 more than my barber for a shape up.

Note to self: leave the house earlier next time.

After Tupac and Michael Jackson – 10 Holograms we’d like to see


Michael Jackson performed on sunday night at the Billboard Music Awards. Ok so it wasn’t Michael himself, but a hologram of the King of Pop, ‘singing’ his new song, Slave to the Rhythm. The first time I saw a hologram like this was Tupacs ‘performance’ with Snoop Dogg in 2012 at Coachella which was mind-blowing. There seemed to be an improvement in graphics and fluidity, and was no doubt part of the inescapable marketing push for Michaels new album Xscape. The possibilities that these holograms open up are endless. The technology will undoubtedly improve and be able to handle bigger and better performances. It could mean that One Direction could be performing in Paris, Tokyo and NYC at the same time. An artist who falls ill on tour could opt to show a hologrammed performance instead of cancelling a show. I don’t know. Whatever happens with this technology, there will certainly be pros and cons. Maybe dancers will be replaced by holograms. Maybe some musicians too. It just goes to show that the way we enjoy music and concerts is changing rapidly.

Here is a link to the performance:

What are some holograms we’d like to see? Here are some hologram requests:

1) A fully clothed Miley Cyrus

2) ?uestlove with short back and sides

3) Jay-Z ALONE in a lift with Solange…

4) Floyd Mayweather Jr. in a lift with Solange…. Nigel Farage in a life with Solange…. The whole Coalition government in a lift with Solange…

5) ALL London Underground lines with Good Service for a month

6) Steven Gerrard lifting the World Cup in July

7) Russell Brand as Prime Minister

8) Michael Gove teaching in a north London secondary school for a day

9) Dave Chappelle, Cornel West, Mos Def, dream hampton, Malcolm Gladwell and Eric Michael Dyson in a round table discussion about ANYTHING

10) Jack Bauer vs B6-13

What hologram would you like to see?